Celestial Bodies...

Which is not, as you may well be thinking, a reference to my burgeoning exercise regime for the summer holidays.

Having said that, visits to the local swimming pool have unearthed some less-than-heavenly physiques, in the form of the muscle-bound meat-heads hogging the fast lane.  I have yet to see any evidence that they should be in that particular section of the pool, given that they only ever seem to do 2 consecutive lengths at any given time, before resuming their ridiculous posturing at the shallow end, with isotonic sports drinks replenishing the nutrients that they have yet to use...

Even funnier is that one of these guys is there doing his best to look hard, glaring around the pool at everyone else with his muscles and tattoos and grade 1 shorn-head that you just know is classic "ginger in denial"... (*I can say this, I have redhead tendencies, and as Tim Minchin has pointed out, "only a ginger can call another ginger 'ginger'"...).  Dude, you're standing in the shallow end.  There are no adjectives to put a positive spin on this situation, you do not look cool or hard as you may imagine, 'ridiculous' is the best way I can describe it...

At least Sir-Splash-a-Lot is giving it a good shot, making a right song-and-dance of thrashing his way up and down the pool, managing to splatter his trail across three lanes, much to the annoyance of everyone else in the vicinity.  I wouldn't mind if he was doing butterfly but no, it seems that every style of swimming employed yields a similar ratio of water to stroke...

Anyhows, onto the celestial entities of the title.  This weeks' caravannical offerings have a distinctly "space-y" theme:

1. First up, the Lunar Apollo II:



By the looks of it, built to withstand re-entry, although I wouldn't fancy its chances of making it into space in the first place given that it is even less aerodynamic than the Top Gear Robin Reliant space shuttle.  Steer clear of the Mark XIII would by my top tip...






2. The Lunar Moonstar 570:

I like the arbitrary nature of the number chosen, it has something of the "picked out of a hat" about it.  I've now realised that manufacturer "Lunar" has gone for an astronomical theme in a few of its flag(space)ship vehicles, although I doubt we'll be seeing a "White Dwarf", "Black Hole" or "Collapsing Nebula" model anytime soon...













3. The Swift Sundance:

I like the combination of cheery optimism and irony of this particular moniker, with 'Swift' being pretty much the antonym of 'caravan', and the likelihood of it actually dancing in the sun seems slim in Great Britain at this time of year.   Or perhaps "Sundance" is the M.O. of the occupants every morning as they wake up to persistent drizzle and a pea-soup fog...






Special commendation this week goes to the family who painted their towing caravan as an idyllic countryside scene, with trees, grass, hills in the distance and a blue sky with fluffy white clouds - very Watership Down.  Sadly no photos as I was driving in the opposite direction at the time...

We're all going on a summer holiday...

Long time no blog...  To be honest, the pressure of creating anything even vaguely as interesting as the Hootenanny Drinking Game was one off-putting factor, alongside not having anything to write about... Until now...

Living in Cornwall at this time of year has its own unique challenges.  The biggest is that the world and their mother wants to come here for a holiday (well, that's how it feels anyway), which is fine, I can't blame them as it's a fantastic place to be, especially with the lovely sunny weather we've just had.  This does present several problems though:

Seagulls.  OK, these exist regardless of seasonal trade, although according to the QI Elves they don't technically exist at all, as "seagull" is a commonly used umbrella term referring to a range of native gulls, and that the correct name for the species of flying rat that plague our seaside resorts is actually "Herring Gull".  My personal name for the species cannot be repeated in polite company, but that's by the by...

Anyway, the problem with these birds is that they are greedy little b******s.  Tourists seem to think that these poor maligned creatures are malnourished and cute and that they deserve to eat their leftover chips/pasties/crisps/sandwich crusts.  NO NO NO NO NO!!!  You wouldn't think rats running over your feet were cute, you'd be running down the street screaming blue bloody murder until Environmental Health intervened.  Yet wings and a beak somehow make them adorable?!  Yeah sure, right up to the point your toddler is dive-bombed by one for the ice-cream they are eating whilst walking down the street.  There's a reason why locals don't tend to eat outside, and why they will give you short shrift if they see you feeding a seagull.  Be warned.

Caravans.  Oh boy.  These are most prevalent on the roads, however they will also commonly be sighted in service stations and overheating in lay-bys between the months of April and October.  This year I've decided the to make their presence more tolerable by compiling a list of the most unlikely, inappropriate or ironic caravan names that have amused me the most whilst spotted out and about.

To kick-start proceedings, here are two caravans with a distinctly equine theme, courtesy of the manufacturer Bailey:

1) The Unicorn:

With its Alu-Tech body shell and interior fixtures including Walnut finish and chrome fittings, this really is a refined caravan for people who want that little bit more from their camping experience.  What a beauty.







2) The Pegasus II :

With luxurious Belgian fabric interiors and a hot water system and heating system that is of a higher specification than the one in my house, you'd be hard pressed to find something more comfortable and well-equipped than this for your camping holiday.








To be honest, it's the names that I'm having difficulty with here.  A Unicorn is a mythical creature renowned for its grace and beauty, two words which I cannot reconcile with a metal box being dragged behind a wheezing Volvo at 45mph.  And Pegasus was the flying equine of Greek mythology, whilst its caravanning counterpart is about as aerodynamic and likely to fly as your average horse...

Still, summer's only just begun, lets see what other beauties I get stuck behind in the coming 6 weeks...