Celestial Bodies...

Which is not, as you may well be thinking, a reference to my burgeoning exercise regime for the summer holidays.

Having said that, visits to the local swimming pool have unearthed some less-than-heavenly physiques, in the form of the muscle-bound meat-heads hogging the fast lane.  I have yet to see any evidence that they should be in that particular section of the pool, given that they only ever seem to do 2 consecutive lengths at any given time, before resuming their ridiculous posturing at the shallow end, with isotonic sports drinks replenishing the nutrients that they have yet to use...

Even funnier is that one of these guys is there doing his best to look hard, glaring around the pool at everyone else with his muscles and tattoos and grade 1 shorn-head that you just know is classic "ginger in denial"... (*I can say this, I have redhead tendencies, and as Tim Minchin has pointed out, "only a ginger can call another ginger 'ginger'"...).  Dude, you're standing in the shallow end.  There are no adjectives to put a positive spin on this situation, you do not look cool or hard as you may imagine, 'ridiculous' is the best way I can describe it...

At least Sir-Splash-a-Lot is giving it a good shot, making a right song-and-dance of thrashing his way up and down the pool, managing to splatter his trail across three lanes, much to the annoyance of everyone else in the vicinity.  I wouldn't mind if he was doing butterfly but no, it seems that every style of swimming employed yields a similar ratio of water to stroke...

Anyhows, onto the celestial entities of the title.  This weeks' caravannical offerings have a distinctly "space-y" theme:

1. First up, the Lunar Apollo II:



By the looks of it, built to withstand re-entry, although I wouldn't fancy its chances of making it into space in the first place given that it is even less aerodynamic than the Top Gear Robin Reliant space shuttle.  Steer clear of the Mark XIII would by my top tip...






2. The Lunar Moonstar 570:

I like the arbitrary nature of the number chosen, it has something of the "picked out of a hat" about it.  I've now realised that manufacturer "Lunar" has gone for an astronomical theme in a few of its flag(space)ship vehicles, although I doubt we'll be seeing a "White Dwarf", "Black Hole" or "Collapsing Nebula" model anytime soon...













3. The Swift Sundance:

I like the combination of cheery optimism and irony of this particular moniker, with 'Swift' being pretty much the antonym of 'caravan', and the likelihood of it actually dancing in the sun seems slim in Great Britain at this time of year.   Or perhaps "Sundance" is the M.O. of the occupants every morning as they wake up to persistent drizzle and a pea-soup fog...






Special commendation this week goes to the family who painted their towing caravan as an idyllic countryside scene, with trees, grass, hills in the distance and a blue sky with fluffy white clouds - very Watership Down.  Sadly no photos as I was driving in the opposite direction at the time...

We're all going on a summer holiday...

Long time no blog...  To be honest, the pressure of creating anything even vaguely as interesting as the Hootenanny Drinking Game was one off-putting factor, alongside not having anything to write about... Until now...

Living in Cornwall at this time of year has its own unique challenges.  The biggest is that the world and their mother wants to come here for a holiday (well, that's how it feels anyway), which is fine, I can't blame them as it's a fantastic place to be, especially with the lovely sunny weather we've just had.  This does present several problems though:

Seagulls.  OK, these exist regardless of seasonal trade, although according to the QI Elves they don't technically exist at all, as "seagull" is a commonly used umbrella term referring to a range of native gulls, and that the correct name for the species of flying rat that plague our seaside resorts is actually "Herring Gull".  My personal name for the species cannot be repeated in polite company, but that's by the by...

Anyway, the problem with these birds is that they are greedy little b******s.  Tourists seem to think that these poor maligned creatures are malnourished and cute and that they deserve to eat their leftover chips/pasties/crisps/sandwich crusts.  NO NO NO NO NO!!!  You wouldn't think rats running over your feet were cute, you'd be running down the street screaming blue bloody murder until Environmental Health intervened.  Yet wings and a beak somehow make them adorable?!  Yeah sure, right up to the point your toddler is dive-bombed by one for the ice-cream they are eating whilst walking down the street.  There's a reason why locals don't tend to eat outside, and why they will give you short shrift if they see you feeding a seagull.  Be warned.

Caravans.  Oh boy.  These are most prevalent on the roads, however they will also commonly be sighted in service stations and overheating in lay-bys between the months of April and October.  This year I've decided the to make their presence more tolerable by compiling a list of the most unlikely, inappropriate or ironic caravan names that have amused me the most whilst spotted out and about.

To kick-start proceedings, here are two caravans with a distinctly equine theme, courtesy of the manufacturer Bailey:

1) The Unicorn:

With its Alu-Tech body shell and interior fixtures including Walnut finish and chrome fittings, this really is a refined caravan for people who want that little bit more from their camping experience.  What a beauty.







2) The Pegasus II :

With luxurious Belgian fabric interiors and a hot water system and heating system that is of a higher specification than the one in my house, you'd be hard pressed to find something more comfortable and well-equipped than this for your camping holiday.








To be honest, it's the names that I'm having difficulty with here.  A Unicorn is a mythical creature renowned for its grace and beauty, two words which I cannot reconcile with a metal box being dragged behind a wheezing Volvo at 45mph.  And Pegasus was the flying equine of Greek mythology, whilst its caravanning counterpart is about as aerodynamic and likely to fly as your average horse...

Still, summer's only just begun, lets see what other beauties I get stuck behind in the coming 6 weeks...

Hootenanny Drinking Game

Yeah, the title kind of says it all really, but thought I'd put it out there and see what happens...Was sat watching Jools Holland last night, and chatting with my housemate, and basically taking the piss out of some select Holland mannerisms, when it struck me that you could do a Friends/Dallas/Eastenders/whatever-type drinking game with Hootenanny...

This then led to a longer than it probably deserved conversation about what the rules and forfeits would be etc. But, here we go for now:

Take 1 sip of your drink every time:
- Jools (and only Jools) shouts "Hootenanny" (to avoid complete annihilation within 5 minutes if Al Murray is on again...)
- Jools describes an artist as either "legendary", "fabulous" or "wonderful"
- Jools blows on one of those novelty party horn things usually found at children's birthday parties
- Jools plays piano with a guest act

Take 2 sips of your drink every time:
- Jools references a cameraperson by name (i.e. Eric the camera man) or drags the camera around in a motion-sickness-inducing-fashion to show something else
- A comedian sings (or attempts to sing) a song (under any circumstance)
- A trumpet player from the Rhythm and Blues Orchestra is filmed having a boogie (to be multiplied by number of players dancing at the time)

Take 3 sips of your drink every time:
- Jools mentions "Squeeze"
- A Scottish artist is featured prominently (interview/performance)
- A guest swears...

Down your drink if:
- Jools says "Boogie woogie piano" (bit of an in-joke in our household)
- Jools plays an instrument other than the piano
- Radiohead appear on the show
- Jools swears

"Happy New Year" section:
- Down your drink at the end of the countdown/on strike of 12
- refill drink, link hands in Auld Lang Syne stylee and try to drink your drink whilst doing the dance (we accept no liability or responsibility for any damage caused to carpet, soft furnishings or clothing sustained during the above activity)

Live Band Wildcard - if any of the above happens during an act that someone in the room has seen perform live, the forfeit for the action is double for everyone else in the room, unless they too have seen that band perform live.

As we are out gigging on New Year's Eve we will be doing this late afternoon of New Year's Day, but if anyone wants to try this out on the evening and let us know the results once they have woken up/the activated charcoal has kicked in/been discharged from hospital that'd be lovely. Or alternatively, if anyone wants to join us around 3pm on New Year's Day, give us a shout!!

This Charming Man...

Well, it's been a rum old day. As I've commented elsewhere, I am the "Anti-Midas", meaning that everything I touch turns to shit. Or, as my library boss decided at lunchtime, I have the "Eddie the Eagle" touch. Ah well. I guess I should have known what was in store for me today when the car wouldn't start... Computers went belly-up and one of the resident nutters made a complete beeline for me and started yammering on about wanting me to "impress him", and have a "shared intimate experience in the future" amongst other things. I think he actually wanted something photocopied, but I can't say I'm sure, and I freaked out when I bumped into him whilst walking home after work...

Still, am in the safety of the house and comfort of my pyjamas now and am not moving for anyone or anything. Have been exposed, thanks to my housemate's dubious viewing taste, to the Jeremy Kyle Show this week, and it got me thinking, to the extent that I want to air a few views on here. I actually don't know where to start with it all though.

Looking at the guests that were on yesterday, I didn't think they should have been put through that experience. They all struck me as vulnerable people, who all had issues that went far deeper than what was being addressed on screen (woman's partner slept with 16 year old god-daughter - matey boy was denying it and had lie detector test which "proved" he was lying). I felt that the poor 16 year old girl, who was painted one minute as the innocent victim of an older man and the next as a deceitful minx, certainly had some kind of learning difficulties, she really wasn't the full shilling, to quote my boss once again. The poor god-mother was just torn apart by the betrayal and not knowing who to believe, in the knowledge that one of the two closest relationships in her life - her partner or her best friend - was about to come to a nasty end. I really don't think they had the easiest of lives as it was, and going onto national TV to air the truth surely can't have been a good call. Is it ever though?

I think what annoyed me most about it all though was Kyle himself. I found his attempts at sympathy syrupy, false and hollow. His manner towards the partner, who as it turns out had done something pretty low and shameful, was just disgraceful. His questioning was aggressive from the outset, he shouted down the boy, belittled him, and needled him, even questioning his family background, making a statement along the lines of "if your father had shouted at you maybe you wouldn't be in this predicament". Anything the boy said to try and defend himself was derided. Ok, he did something very wrong. He was stoned and drunk when he did it. There is a lesson to be learnt there. But I don't think it is Kyle's place to act as judge and jury and humiliate him. He's lost a lot as it is. He's hurt a lot of people with his actions. It's down to him now whether he chooses to learn the lesson which arose as a consequence of his actions or not.

It struck me as being like bear-baiting. There's a volatile mix of people, simmering with all manner of emotions, and Kyle brings them all together, lights the blue touch paper to make great telly, and then packs them off into the back room to talk with Graham, while he wheels out another bunch of lambs to the slaughter. I even found the advert to call if you had an issue they could feature on the show sensationalist, almost as if he's trying to put the words into people's mouths, using phrases like "you feel stabbed in the back".

I do wonder what kind of vetting takes place on these programmes. I'm sure the producers would turn around and say it's rigorous, but some of the stuff that crops up is just so close to home for these people, I'm sure they cannot possibly comprehend what some of the consequences of their actions could be. What happens when they go back to their hometowns and their everyday lives? Are they hailed as heroes or driven out, vigilante style? What will the rest of their families and their friends make of having dirty laundry aired in public? What about the partner, whose stupid actions whilst under the influence have now painted him a villain on national TV - what of his life? How does he pick up the pieces after that? I think some of these people are just too vulnerable to be put through it all.

Maybe that's just me being judgemental...

Bigmouth strikes again...

Well, this is a slightly new experience for me. Apart from posting notes within MySpace and Facebook in the past I haven't really gone into the whole blogging thing wholeheartedly in more recent times, due to a rather sticky incident about 2 years ago involving my irreverent sense of humour, innate stupidity and a post-it note placed in very poor taste...

There's pressure to follow that with something interesting I suppose, before anyone who may actually be reading this decides to click onto a more interesting blog or passes out with boredom at the sheer mundanity of my existence. I'm a self-employed musician living and working in and around West and Mid Cornwall, hence the "Postcards from the edge" bit - it is like living on the edge of the world sometimes, things take their time to filter down to this part of the country, if they do indeed filter down at all.

But I love it. I chose to move back after studying and living on the other (some round here would say wrong) sides of Rivers Tamar and Severn for four years. It's a part of the world where being stuck behind a tractor is a valid reason for being late to work, and 30mph becomes a target rather than a limit on main roads during peak season. Life moves at its own pace ('dreckly') and flip-flops are worn whenever possible. The scenery is absolutely stunning all year round, and summer brings the annual onslaught of kamikaze-pasty-and-ice-cream-stealing-seagulls and emmets...

A'gas dynergh - welcome to my world!